She didn't understand.
The words, certainly, had made logical sense, but somehow, she still didn't understand. Maybe it was the Huang in her. Maybe it was the Onmitsukido in her. He said that, Habaek had said, in not so many words, that he loved her and didn't want anyone else, anyway, but it made no sense. Xiaolen may never be able to love him the way he should be, and that wasn't fair to him. He didn't really understand, and she was afraid of trying to explain it.
They were at a bit of an impasse. Xiaolen was afraid to lose him, but afraid to let him in, and she knew enough to know that they couldn't stay like that forever. She needed someone else's opinion, someone that knew everything, unlike Shouren. (Some part of her was always afraid Shouren would hate her, if she told him everything. It didn't help he had actually gotten involved with a Kurogane, too. Certainly a better one than she did, she could be glad for that.) Some part of her was aware she should tell him. That maybe she needed to be honest about it to someone, talk and work through it sometimes, but there was always that little corner of her mind telling her that it'd been her biggest failure and admitting to it wouldn't earn her any favours. Most of the time, she didn't care what other people thought; she cared a lot when it came to her brother and Habaek, and admitting to either one she was anything less than perfect was... difficult, at best.
It was probably a bit silly, to come here. On the other hand, he knew, and aside from Kaiou, he was the only one that knew the truth, or at least most of it. When she was pregnant with her daughter, she had to go somewhere, that the elders wouldn't find out, and it was with Junius and his family that she'd stayed. Funny enough, he was good friends with the Kuroganes, the same one Xiaolen had been. They didn't talk much; they lived very different lives, but he understood a few things others never really could, because he knew things most didn't, and she left him when she'd gone, too, just the same as she'd left Xiaolen.
For all that Xiaolen didn't know how to love, she did recognise it when she saw it; he loved her too, just in a different way than Xiaolen did.
Of course, Gage was in, too. That wasn't surprising. Xiaolen nodded at him a bit, and then shuffled across the Jusanbantai office, and set a small package on Junius' desk. Nothing fancy, just a box of a tea Xiaolen knew he liked, and a couple lollipops. She bowed just a bit. "Sorry to just let myself in," she said. Things were fairly slow, though, so she thought it was decent enough timing. "I was hoping you had a few minutes to talk." And then she remembered Jordan was here - he was Junius' Lieutenant, now, and given the former Espada hadn't tried to murder anyone recently, it was working out okay. Grey eyes glanced at him. The arrancar arched an eyebrow, and then stood up.
"Aight, I get it," he said. "I'll... be that way... switches or something," Gage decided, and then he meandered that way. Xiaolen almost looked surprised, actually. She wasn't really expecting that to be very easy, but, Gage had been surprising everyone, these days.